By John Howell \/ Sunday, 17 September 2023 \/ Loading comments<\/p>\n
Congratulations are in order. I finally got hitched, although not in the matrimonial sense. No woman, it seems, is prepared to stoop that low. No, I\u2019m talking about the Defender, with me in it, hitched up finally to a livestock trailer. This had been the plan all along \u2013 to do some towing with the \u2018old gal\u2019 and test out how good that side of its faculties is, but it\u2019s been a long time coming. As some of you may know from previous reports, Land Rover sent us a Defender without a tow hitch, so a month or so ago it went back to JLR HQ to have one fitted. This raised a few noteworthy points. <\/p>\n
Firstly, there\u2019s the cost. Actually, let me rephrase that: good grief, the cost. Guess how much a tow bar on one of these will set you back? No, no, you\u2019re way off; double it, add a grand and a bit more for luck. It\u2019s \u00a32,285 to have one fitted at the factory. Admittedly that\u2019s the Towing Pack, which, along with an electrically deployable tow bar, also comes with a bundle of other goodies. Those include Advanced Tow Assist, to help with reversing your rig, and more off-road electronics, such as All Terrain Progress Control \u2013 essentially that\u2019s off-road cruise control. To have one retrofitted by your dealer costs \u00a31,600. Ahh, you\u2019re thinking, the cheaper and better choice. True, it is cheaper, but it\u2019s not the better choice. The retrofit doesn\u2019t come with all those other gizmos and the hitch isn\u2019t electronically deployable. It\u2019s removable. And from my experience doesn\u2019t come with any instructions to tell you how to remove it, or fit it. <\/p>\n
The lack of instructions shouldn\u2019t have been a massive bind, though. After all, how hard can it be to fit a tow hitch? Yep, those famous last words come to bite me in the whatnot yet again. Still, this was a surprise. I like to think I am a reasonably practical individual \u2013 I trained as an automotive technician, after all – but I am fallible and happy to admit it. And no, I couldn\u2019t for the life of me figure out how to get the hitch slotted in and the electrics connected, so I asked my mate Jon to take a look. He\u2019s also a practical sort. His day job is building microchips, and he\u2019ll happily strip down and rebuild your iPhone or laptop for a cold beer. Jon couldn\u2019t figure it out, either. <\/p>\n
Next, I enlisted the help of my brother. He builds houses for a living and, as a bonus, has owned several Range Rovers over the years \u2013 all with a tow bar fitted because he used them to tow a trailer. The Defender\u2019s tow hitch stumped him, too. Finally, I called upon Steve. Steve is the man who runs the farm in Wales on a day-to-day level and, as some of you may know, farmers are by and large practically minded and resourceful. They have to be, and the \u2018make do and mend\u2019 ethos is engrained in them from birth. Did Steve sort it? Hell, no. He was as flummoxed as the rest of us. I even searched the extensive \u2018Deep Thought\u2019 brilliance of YouTube and Google for answers, but both pulled down the shutters and admitted defeat as well. <\/p>\n
I should probably explain the problem at this point. The removable tow hitch has a spring-loaded knob on its side. Giving it a twist is meant to retract a ring of ball bearings around the circumference of the male end of the hitch, which is the bit that slots into position at the back of the car. Once it\u2019s in, you release the knob, the ball bearings are forced out again and that locks the hitch in place ready for towing. Sounds simple, doesn\u2019t it? Except when I turned the knob, the ball bearings only partially retracted, which wasn\u2019t enough to allow the hitch to dock. The other issue was the electrical socket. That was tucked behind the lower edge of the bumper \u2013 so close to it that there wasn\u2019t enough room for the plug from the trailer to fit unless you unscrewed a section of lower trim. Surely that wasn\u2019t how it was designed to work? <\/p>\n
Honestly, I was stumped. We all were. Was the tow hitch faulty? And would a kit designed to fit a Defender, and supplied by Land Rover, have the electrical fitting in the wrong place? Well, when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth, it has been said. And giving weight to my theory were two things. Since coming back from having the tow bar installed, the Defender\u2019s back exhaust box has been rattling away (that section has to be removed to fit the tow bar frame underneath the car) and the rear parking sensors no longer work. None of these were problems pre-tow bar, so if whoever had fitted the kit had forgotten to plug the sensors back in and hadn\u2019t fitted the exhaust properly, well, maybe it\u2019s plausible they might not have fitted the electrical socket correctly or checked that the hitch mechanism worked.<\/p>\n
In the end, I had no choice but to admit defeat. I really needed the Defender to take some sheep to market and my pride \u2013 you know, the stupid pride that kicks in and stops you asking for professional help to fix a seemingly straightforward problem \u2013 had to give way to pragmatism. I booked an appointment with my local dealer. When I arrived, a chap came out to meet me and we wandered over to the car. I explained the issues, handed him the tow hitch, and immediately he pulled the knob I described a moment ago out sideways, then rotated it. And, of course, it slotted it into place no problem at all. From his mouth came words of support. Words such as, \u2018You\u2019re not the first person to struggle with one of these,\u2019 but I read a different message etched on his face. That message was, \u2018You\u2019re a bit of a tit, aren\u2019t you\u2019. Or maybe that was just my paranoia. <\/p>\n
Nevertheless, I puffed myself up again and spouted, \u2018What about the electrical socket?\u2019 I said this with a whiff of \u2018now we\u2019ll see who\u2019s the tit.\u2019 \u2018You see, it\u2019s too close to the bumper.\u2019 To this challenge, his hand went down, grabbed the socket and twisted it. It turns out it\u2019s on a hinge. When you rotate it down it\u2019s below the bumper level \u2013 enough that you can plug into it no problem. I\u2019m pretty sure the next message that flashed across his face when he turned to look at me was, \u2018And you just keep proving me right\u2019. <\/p>\n
At this point, you\u2019re probably expecting the shame of it to make me crawl under a rock and never come out. Well, I\u2019m sorry, but no. I am defiant. And not a tit \u2013 at least not on this occasion. Four people in all \u2013 four people all with common sense and a practical bent \u2013 had tried to solve the mystery of the hitch and socket, and none of us had thought to pull that knob out sideways. Of course, we hadn\u2019t. There aren\u2019t any arrows suggesting you should, so why would we? There are arrows telling you to twist the knob but nothing indicating this crucial preliminary part of the procedure. <\/p>\n
And who would think to force an electrical socket down? It\u2019s on a thin metal bracket, remember. You\u2019d assume applying force to it would bend it out of shape. By the way, if you\u2019re a po-faced, clever clogs inclined to comment that these things are bleedingly obvious, let me tell you what\u2019s bleedingly obvious here: that a \u00a31,600 tow bar kit should come with an instruction manual. Or saving that, how about a pamphlet with a couple of pictures? That way I wouldn\u2019t have looked like a dimwit who\u2019s a danger to himself if left alone with scissors. <\/p>\n
While we\u2019re on the subject of know-it-alls\u2026 Last month, I mentioned that the Defender\u2019s air suspension automatically rises from its access height to normal height when you start up and drive away. This isn\u2019t a speed-related thing. It\u2019s what it does as a default when you move off. It\u2019s very annoying. It also adds a sense of actual jeopardy when you\u2019re in a low, multi-storey car park, because should you forget about the idiotic programming you find yourself sweeping away items of ceiling furniture \u2013 little bits and pieces like water pipes and lights.<\/p>\n
Now, some of you pointed out that there\u2019s a feature to lock the suspension in its lowest setting \u2013 by pressing and holding the suspension \u2018down\u2019 button for a couple of seconds. That\u2019s true, there is, but you\u2019re missing the point. What\u2019s the purpose of suspension rising automatically after I\u2019ve told the car to sit? Why do so many systems on modern cars constantly need to override the driver? Just leave well alone, please. That\u2019s not a rhetorical question, by the way. If you can answer what the purpose of this intervention is, be my guest. It\u2019s not a safety thing, remember. Yes, the suspension rises automatically if you hit a certain speed for stability, and I\u2019ve no issue with that, but that\u2019s a separate thing. It\u2019s not what\u2019s happening here. This is when it goes up when you\u2019re doing no more than one mile per hour. <\/p>\n
Anyway, rant over. Now let me tell you about market day, the sheep sale, and the towing. What\u2019s the new Defender like as a tow car? Absolutely fantastic. It\u2019s right up there with Scanias and ERFs in my opinion. I know many people think that a pickup is the way to go for a workhorse these days \u2013 because Defenders are so expensive \u2013 but I disagree. A pickup with no weight in the back wouldn\u2019t tow as well as this. I know so because I\u2019ve used them to tow and they tend to get very squirrelly at the rear. I suspect the current Range Rover wouldn\u2019t match the Defender\u2019s prowess in this respect, either. The Range Rover\u2019s uber-soft damping would be the bothersome bit, whereas the Defender is beautifully damped. There\u2019s no hint of sway on the motorway, even in hefty crosswinds, and it\u2019s just as reassuring under braking. <\/p>\n
There\u2019s another plus point to mention as well. Because the D300 engine I\u2019ve wanged on about effusively before is so deliciously torquey, it pulls mightily even with a hefty weight on the back \u2013 not only in a straight line but also from a standing start on an incline. And bearing in mind the farm is in the Brecon Beacons, and some of the single-track lanes you have to meander through to get places are narrow and steep \u2013 really steep \u2013 you have to stop on inclines quite often when you meet an oncoming car. Yet even if the gradient feels like a one-in-four, the D300\u2019s nigh-on 500lb ft of straight-six muscle, manifesting from as little as 1,500rpm, is a godsend. <\/p>\n
It\u2019s always nice to end on a high point, especially as this report will be my last. The Defender is due to go back next month and Nic thought it would be good to have someone else\u2019s perspective on it until then. So he\u2019s inched it. It\u2019s a fair point, although it leaves me more than a little deflated. I know a lot of you think these Defenders are too expensive – and they are expensive – and too much of a pastiche, but in my experience it\u2019s been such a good car. In fact, it\u2019s the best JLR product I\u2019ve driven in years. It\u2019s capable of scalping models outside the JLR fold as well, because in plenty of ways it\u2019s a lot better than many other similarly priced (that is similarly expensive) SUVs out there. It\u2019s so good I\u2019d have one. And if the choice was a Defender or the more expensive Range Rover \u2013 full fat or Sport \u2013 even if someone else was paying I\u2019d still go Defender all day long. Why? Because I feel it\u2019s more fit for purpose than those. It does the job it was intended to do that bit better. <\/p>\n
The fact is, it\u2019s done everything I\u2019ve asked of it in terms of a workhorse, and it\u2019s been quiet, quick and comfortable the rest of the time. It\u2019s been easy to drive, relaxing, and above all enjoyable. So much so that I still look forward to getting in it and driving it. It\u2019s also averaged 30mpg over 5,000 miles of varied driving, which isn\u2019t terrible \u2013 not when you consider some of that has included off-roading and hammering it around on photoshoots. Let\u2019s just say it\u2019s not always been driven in the most parsimonious manner. <\/p>\n
Sure, it\u2019s not perfect. The boot could be bigger, the fabric tonneau cover is more Duster than \u00a380k Defender, and the side-hinged door is a ridiculous piece of design, but what is perfect? Actually, here\u2019s something: the Defender\u2019s reliability. It hasn\u2019t missed a beat in my time with it, and that, I must admit, was a surprise. A very welcome one, mind you. Let\u2019s see what Nic has to say, but if I had the spare cash I can tell you, hand on heart, that I\u2019d buy one of these. Cynical old me would never have envisioned saying that four years ago when this model was launched, because I fully expected it to be terrible. As always, though, there really is no point in having a mind if you never change it. If you\u2019re yet to drive one and still posting negative, knee-jerk responses to the current Defender \u2013 and to my mind best one there\u2019s ever been \u2013 you might want to ponder that for a moment before pressing send.<\/p>\n